Sunday, April 5, 2009

Revolutionizing the NBA

I'm sitting here, watching basketball on T.V., and I'm amazed at the efforts these professional athletes take to keep their muscles warm while sitting on the bench. They have on their game jerseys, t-shirts, towels over their shoulders, and their warm-ups on top of all of that. I can't help but think that there is a better solution. There has to be some way to keep these athletes warm, while eliminating all those bulking layers. I have the solution, THE SNUGGIE! The possibilities are endless. Not only will this little gem keep your whole body warm, but just as advertised, their hands would be free, so they could still clap for their teammates or....hydrate. Beyond that, I see prime advertising space on the front of the snuggie. It's like a walking billboard, Gatorade, Nike, and local sponsors of these games would be thrilled to see their respective logos grace the front of the snuggie. You might think its far fetched, but I would venture a guess that in the next two or three years, your gonna see it happen.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Chimpanzee with the munchies and harboring a fugative!

Weird title but that pretty much sums up the last three weeks or so, and its also an accurate description of how my family thinks of me. True story.

Cheryl and I were watching the BCS title game between Florida and Oklahoma. It was right near the end of the game and Florida had secured the win. With every big win comes the ritualistic dousing of the coach with Gatorade. As we sat there watching Urban Myer swim out of the river of Orange drink, I turned to Cheryl and mentioned that it looked like Tang and then told her how much I love Tang.
"Seriously," she said, "Tang is nasty!!! The only people that drink Tang are Astronauts and Chimpanzees!"
My reply, "AAAAhhhhhhh, so you think I'm Outta This World!!....sorta like an Astronaut!"
She looked my square in the eyes, "Nope!"

.....strike one

I walked into the house the other day and was immediately greeted by Savannah. She had her typical smile, her mischievous look, and she was hiding something behind her back. I was instantly curious and so I said,
"Hi Nannah, what do you have?"
Her reply,
"Mom bought it for me and YOU CAN'T EAT IT!!!!"
Still not knowing what it is, I inquired a little further, just to find out that it was a new Webkin, (a little stuffed animal thing). WHAT THE HELL!! I don't know about you, but I often have these uncontrollable urges to EAT PLUSH TOYS!

.....strike two

For Christmas, one of Gabes' gifts was a remote control truck. After a few hours of charging, our front room was quickly converted into a monster truck rally. Back and forth, climbing piles of shoes, jumping books, and chasing sisters. All seemed well, and then the unspeakable happened.
"Uhhhhhhhh.....Mooooooooom......we might have a problem!"
Instantly, everyone froze and we waited to hear what disaster had taken place. Did he tip over the Christmas tree, bang into his sister too hard?
Not quite sure if she even wanted to know, Cheryl went in to survey the damage.
"What did you do this time?", she asked as she braced herself for the worst.
"I sorta ran over baby Jesus."

.....strike three

So, to sum things up, Cheryl thinks I am a chimp, Savannah thinks that I'll eat anything in sight, and Gabe is Judas. Were did I go wrong?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Merry Christmas....pass the Wine!!!

I've had it! I am sooooo done with Christmas shopping. I'm done!! I've made an executive decision and this year, instead of buying all the things on my wife's list, I'm simply gonna make a video for her of for everything on her list. Trust me, this would be the gift that keeps on giving.

Take for example, item #........(thinking).......7, a new make-up brush. Hmmmmm, a make-up brush, how hard could that be. Pretty damn hard if you can't find it at Cabela's. I just barely found out that there is a store here in town that sells 'beauty supplies'.....such as a makeup brush. So, here I am, dedicated Christmas shopper, walking into a beauty supply store. I'm glad the Salvation army wasn't taking donations at THAT door, or I might have felt inclined to strip myself of all manliness and shove it in their little red pot....but I digress. So I walk in, and immediately I look around and I quickly realized that this was probably a bad idea and most likely....was not going to end well. I saw curling irons, and hair straightener things, and blow dryers, files, clips, hooks, bands, perms....I was totally out of my element. Fortunately for me, one of the sales associates noticed an increase of testosterone, sorta like the Yoda of Sally Beauty Supply, and quickly came to my rescue, or so I hoped.

Yoda the sales Associate: "Hi, welcome to Sally Beauty Supply, can I help you find something."

Me: "Uhhh....huh (blushes)....yeah...hi, and YES PLEASE!?"

y.t.s.a: "Ummm....ok, what is it that your looking for today?"

Me: "I need a make-up brush...."

y.t.s.a: "Ok, sure, what kind of makeup are you applying?"

Me: "It's not for me, and I have no idea what MY WIFE will be using if for...I'm gonna!"

y.t.s.a: "Right........ I need to know what kind of makeup your 'wife' is applying!"

Me: "I'm really not sure, Cover Girl?!"

y.t.s.a: ", what size does she need?"

At this point I'm thinking...what the hell, her face cant be THAT big! I had no idea that there were sooooo many options for makeup brushes. Long handled-short bristled, short handled-long bristled, I think I even saw one made up of Mink fur and the handle was crafted from bones from the last guy that tried to buy a makeup brush for his wife. I just grabbed one that looked fuzzy....I think it was black! As soon as I handed the brush over the counter to Yoda the Sales Associate, it's like we hadn't met...30 seconds earlier.

Yoda the sales Associate: "Hi, did you find everything all right this evening?"

Me: "Uhhhhhh.....*slightly confused at this point*.....I think so, yeah!"

y.t.s.a: "....greaaaaaat.....and will you be using your Sally card tonight?"

..........wait a minute, my Sally Card?! I had no idea this place even existed 2 hours ago, and now I have a Sally Card!

Me: "I think I'll just use a debit card!"

Maybe next year my wife will ask for a leather boustia!!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Wasted Technology

Technology rocks! I am amazed at all the different gadgets and gizmos there are. You can push a button in your car and automatically call for help. With a couple of clicks, you can communicate with someone around the world. Phones that can play music, take pictures, surf the web, tell you where your going....and oh yeah, you can talk on them too. So tell me this, how can we be so technologically savvy and not be able to flush the damn toilet. Wouldn't this make the toilet a wasted technology? Please, for the love of all the great minds that came before us......FLUSH!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Audio Journal

I am a weird person. I don’t know if I’ve made that clear enough in my previous posts, so let me reiterate this fact. I am freaking weird. I am probably the oddest person you’ve ever met. The thing that allows me to fit into society is that I look pretty normal. No one really has any clue about the strangeness lurking beneath the surface. For instance:

I won't eat microwave popcorn right out of the has to be dumped in a bowl. I think its something about my hand getting rubbed in the butter stuff on the sides of the bag.

It absolutely drives me crazy when I see a car with its gas tank lid open. No explanation there, it just bugs.

I have an unexplainable fondness for giant sized kites, pickles, and Soft soap (shea butter).

But truly, the thing that I find most curious about me is my taste in music. I don’t follow one specific genre. I like whatever sounds good to me and elicits certain emotions from me. Some songs make me want to shaka the money maka. Others make me so happy I want to give someone a big FREAKIN HUG!! Other songs remind me of my family and friends. It's sort of interesting how my iTunes has become somewhat of an audio journal of my life… people and places and events that combine to make me who I am today. Just to show you, here are the next 10 songs that will come up in the shuffle in my iTunes (I swear on all things holy!):

1. The Man in Me - Bob Dylan: From his 1970's album, New Morning. I was in Knoxville TN., sitting in the living room of Irene Dalpiaz when I first heard this song. It was just playing in the other room, but it somehow captured my attention. Bob Dylan just rocks!!

2. Raindrops - Regina Spektor: As far as I know, this was an unreleased Demo. Regina has a sound that is undeniably hers. This song reminds me of Troy, one of my best friends growing up. He always did things a little bit different and always excelled at everything he did, and he made it look easy. Troy was anything but stereotypical.

3. What Was I Thinkin' - This was the debut single for Dierks Bentley: I'm immediately taken back to long summer days with my sisters. I'm not sure what the connection is there, perhaps it was because we were always doing something stupid. Maybe its just the country flavor that reminds me of home.

4. Burn - 3 Days Grace. This was from their self titled album in 2003. Nothing like a little 3DG to release the teenage angst inside of me. I was just finishing up my degree when this song came out. It's ironic how graduation can give you such a sense of accomplishment, but at the same time make you think..."what the hell do I do now?"

5. When the Stars Go Blue - Tim McGraw, From Tim McGraw Reflected: Greatest Hits Vol. 2. This song has always had sort of a hollow, haunted, vacant sound to me. August 8, 2006, we went into the hospital, expecting and hopeful, we left empty. I do remember sitting in the chair off by the window, and having this song play in the background as we waited for the inevitable.

6. Minor Thing - Red Hot Chili Peppers: From the By The Way album. I have always loved RHCP. I remember the first time (of many) that I skipped one of my art history classes and went and played 9 holes before I had to go to work. The Chili Peppers have always represented to me the ideology that you only live once, enjoy it.

7. Undeniable - Mat Kearny: From Nothing Left to Lose. After a battle of wills, the kids were finally in bed. Cheryl and I were watching Greys Anatomy and Mat Kearny had a song at the end. Not only did I like the song, but even now, when I hear him, it takes me to the quiet times I have with Cheryl. They are few in numbers but priceless none the less.

8. One Road for Freedom - Ben Harper Fight For Your Mind: Slow and easy seems to be the mantra for Ben Harper. One of my favorite pass times is fishing, and probably for the same reason....slow and easy. Ben is MY modern day Jimmy Buffett.

9. Helena - My Chemical Romance: From Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge. The job I have now is my first real "desk job". Shortly after I had started, I was sitting at my desk with headphones in. I can only assume that people thought that because I was pretty conservative in my looks, my musical taste would follow. I'm not saying these guys are super hard core, but they certainly veered away from what many thought that I would listen too. When I finally let some of the others hear what I was listening too through my computers speakers, they listened in horror for about......that long. With sneared faces and wrinkled noses, they told me to put my headphones back on.

10. Bluesy One - Kalia: From Six Strings And The Rainy Day Man. A co-worker introduced me to Kalia about 2 years ago, and I've been listening ever since. I like his sound alot. I dont know all the musical terms..obviously, but alot of his stuff seems minimal and, for the most part, untouched as far as the production side goes. In alot of ways, his sound reminds me of my kids. They don't have alot of baggage....yet. They just do what they do cause thats what they do. Simple and easy.....and thats why I love em!

So there ya have it. I told you I was weird. In my defense, I'm not the one driving around town with my gas tank lid open!! (hehe...made ya look)

Monday, October 20, 2008

A work in progess...

I have been a slogger....or would it be a blacker....(blogger/slacker). I think I prefer slogger. Don't worry though....all three of you that actually read this will have new material coming soon. You may or may not have noticed that I have changed the look a little bit. By doing that I lost a lot of the links to other blogs I read. Soooo, you all need to post comments and at least give me the link to your blog so I can update it. Also, I added a button called "People who matter.." and since you ALL matter, you need to click it or whatever. (Really, I just want to see who actually reads this thing!) Oh, one more thing, I have been toying with the idea of changing my blog address to gaucherie.blogspot....just seems more fitting given the type of things I usually write about. I'll put a poll on here and we'll see what you think. Keep what I have or change it!! I know, I shattering decisions, but somehow, I still need help!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Put in my place...

There is a woman in the office that I work at, for our purposes here, we will simply call her theladythatbugseveryonetodeathsotheyavoidheratallcosts. She is excellent at what she does, very thorough, and typically on top of everything. She is however, extremely overbearing, and as such, people tend to avoid her, much like you try to avoid a serious car accident...or maybe a fork in your eye. Anyway, I was walking down the hall today and who, of all people is coming my way....theladythatbugseveryonetodeathsotheyavoidheratallcosts. So, I decide to take it like a man, keep walking toward her, and God willing, I'll arrive at my office within the hour with minimal damage. As we grow nearer to each other, I can feel the blood pulsing through the veins in my neck, my teeth are clenched like a bear trap, sweaty palms, time actually slowed and the walkway tripled in get the idea.

She is making eye contact with me at this point so what do I do, I say, "Hi....theladythatbugseveryonetodeathsotheyavoidheratallcosts!"

Her reply, "Hmmrph!"

REALLY!!! Are you kidding me. I am willing to bet that I was the only human contact that she has had in 3 weeks that wasn't initiated by her, and all I get was a...half burp/half...go to hell!!! I was suppose to reject her.....avoid her....not the other way around.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go sweep up the shattered remnants of my ego and tape it back together while I whisper self-affirming words of encouragement to myself.