Sweet Dreams

Bedtime in our house, like most everyone with children, becomes a huge chore. Every night its the same thing.
#1 Kids, its time to get in the shower.
#2 Gabe and Savannah, get in the shower.
#3 GET IN THE DAMN SHOWER....

5 minutes later....

#4 .....hilarious guys....now turn on the water!

I don't get it, they know I'm gonna get irate, I did last night, and the night before, and....well, you get the idea. Its so frustrating, and thats just the shower part. Brushing teeth goes much the same way.

Now that showers are done and teeth are brushed, we read. At this point, I'm usually pretty fired up and probably sound like I could do voice-overs for the Devil himself, so what does Savannah bring out, "My little Pony". Yeah, thats right, we get to read about Pinky Pie and how she is crowned "lillie lightly, queen of all that sparkles and glows." For real???? You expect me to read this crap....now!! I just went through hell to convince you that the three inches of dirt on your face could not, in fact, wait til tomorrow to wash off, followed only by an activity that could easily be compared to playing chicken with a Piranha, and now you want me to bust out my best 'singsong' voice and lull you to sleep with a bunch of stories about magical ponies. I didn't sign up for all this.

Once they both get in bed and 'nighttime pleasantries' have been exchanged, I always get THE QUESTION.

Savannah:.....um......daaaaaaddddy.....ummmmmmm.....what do I dream about?

(Keep in mind that I am not a patient person and I feel like shipping both the offspring to the land of eternal slumber at this point)

Me: What???

Savannah: You need to give me something good to dream about so I can fall asleep.

Me: Hmm, ok....lets see. Why don't you dream that you have a delusional Father who has made it his life's mission to track down all the little pony unicorn things, rip off their horns, and stabs himself in the eyeball repeatedly. Okay!?...*winks*.....sweet dreams princess!!!

She hasn't slept in three weeks.

Dining with The Jokers Lovechild

I'm about 97% sure I ate dinner with the Joker's love-child.

A few nights ago my family and I went to dinner at a favorite Chinese place. As we walked in, we were quickly seated at a booth toward the center of the building, so the lighting was a little bit dim. No problem there, the darker it is, the less chance my family has of seeing me steal a second fortune cookie. (dont judge me, I swear I was settling a 'cookie ownership dispute' amongst the offspring!!) Besides, the lighting was also setting the stage for what was to come.

The menu was studied and it was quickly decided that the nights meal would consist of rice, lo mein noodles, and sweet and sour chicken. We only had to wait a few short minutes before our meal was brought to us. However, it was during this time that I noticed that Savannah was looking a bit "rough". She is always cute, but she had hair that was falling out of her pig tails, and her face could stand to see a washcloth as she had a few smudges of dirt on her cheeks. By itself it was ok, but combined with the less than stellar lighting, it was all a bit...well....creepy.

Finally our food arrived at the table. Like usual, I help one kid get a plate and Cheryl helps the other. Cheryl is a lot faster at this part than I am. Maybe cause a chubby guy in a both made for Chinese people isn't allowed to move to his full potential!!! (that might be a post for another day) Needless to say, Savannah was eating well before Gabes' plate was even ready. When I finally looked up to see how everyone was doing...I was completely taken back by what sat before my very eyes. I swear on all things holy and pure, Savannah looked just like a mini Joker. Now accompanying her disheveled hair and smudged cheeks, she had sweet and sour sauce all over her mouth. When I say all over, I'm not talking about a "little corner of her mouth" type dirty, it's more like a "4-year-old-fornication-with-a-saucy-covered-chunk-o-chicken" dirty. Once the intial shock wore off, I was completely entertained for the rest of my meal. IT WAS AWESOME!!! I all but begged her to look me straight in the eyes and say, "How 'bout we start with a magic trick" She declined and then proceeded to growl at me like some sort of rabid dog. Oh well, I can't have everything. I will however, hold tight to the idea that she could totally be in the Batman movie where Batmans kids try desperately to honor their fathers name by destroying the Jokers kids in the Gotham city soccer tournaments.