Thursday, June 19, 2008

Letter to Subway

Dear Lady at the Subway restaurant,

Thank you so much for the delicious sandwich you made me the other day. A 6" turkey on wheat never ceases to tickle the ole' taste buds. However, I am wondering if I could offer a few words of advice for the next time I come in.

#1 Mop your floor....with something other than Sprite. Its bad enough that I have to wait in a line, but waiting in line and having to stand on a sticky floor!!! Every time I inched forward, my shoes wanted to stay where they were. Not cool!!! I felt like I had just stepped in a giant wad of chewed gum.

#2 It was a joke! I know that Jared didn't actually loose all his weight by doing the "sticky floor workout" every time he came into your blessed restaurant. I was trying to be funny. OK, I get it, it wasn't the best joke in the world, but I could really do without the breakdown of Jareds' actual workout routine. Furthermore, whenever somebody responds to your comments with a barely audible "hmmmm"...and then quickly looks down at their shoes (sticky shoes now), its usually a good sign that they don't give a crap what you are talking about.

#3 When you ask what I would like on my sandwich and I reply with "everything but olives"...that could be a pretty good sign that I would like EVERYTHING BUT OLIVES!!!
You: Carrots?
Me: Yes please.
You: Spinach?
Me: ...uuuhhhhh, yeah, thanks.
You: Yellow and Jalepeno peppers?
Me: Ya know! I realize I said I wanted everything but olives, but its apparent your second-guessing my decisions for a reason. Lets just go ahead and skip the yellow and jalepeno peppers and you put on whatever you think would be good.
You: It's your sandwich sir, you can have whatever you like.
Me: Oh that case.....let's have EVERYTHING BUT OLIVES!!!

#4 Again, it was just a joke! You told me my total, $5.32 I think, and then I gave you $6...I got it, change is coming. When change comes out of the front of the till, I am well aware that I did not, in fact, just win the Utah lottery. I realize you have an automatic coin dispenser thing-a-ma-jig. I couldnt possibly expect someone of your caliber to stoop to the level of actually counting out correct change.

I hope you will find these few suggestions helpful. Any concerns or comments can be posted in the "comments" section directly below.



Cazier Family said...

Yum, Subway is good. You know I used to work at Subway. I could make you a killer sandwich AND I would give it to you for free. Too bad I don't work there anymore. Oh, and our Subway was ALWAYS clean, but my boss was a bitch.

Sterling Ungerman Family said...

One time I went to the subway by Macey's. When I left there was a girl in the store mopping the floor, (with a bucket of sprite syrup) as I turned toward the door she started laughing. I don't know what at. Being the self conscious weirdo that I am, I assumed at me. I got home took a bite of my sandwich... delicious. Chewed it up, took another bite... something stringy that got stuck in my teeth. Pulled my mouth away to see what it was and a GIANT wad of hair covered in mayo slapped against my chin! Never wanted something in my belly out so bad in my life. I still can't figure out how that huge hairballl snuck in my sandwich when I watched them make it before my eyes. The only thing I can figure is that the mop girl was a witch and she made it appear in my sandwich. Because I am a pansy I never complained, I just couldn't stand to look at a subway sandwich for a bout a year. Until I got a free one at work. I ate that one very carefully. Now I am back to a regular customer.

Sterling Ungerman Family said...

A little follow up here. I wrote a complaint letter to subway about my experience. I didn't feel it was fair that I was lobbing rocks at them without indicating why I was upset. I haven't heard anything from them though... like a maybe a lifetime of free (hair free) sandwiches.

Fonzareli said...

Maverik is good

Sterling said...