I hereby retract my application for "Father of the Year"

As is the case most every day, as soon as I finish at work I immediately start thinking about where I could go fishing. I have my favorite spots that I like to go, I have spots that are closer, but not as fun, and then there are the "kid friendly" spots......LIARS!!!

After a particularly hard day at work, I was ready for a fishing trip. I made my way home, and immediately started recruiting for little fishing buddies. I'm not a smart man, but I am smart enough to realize that my chances of going fishing are greatly increased if I take a child with me. If I take both children, I am immediately elevated to a godlike status and promptly nominated for "Father of the year", an honor that has eluded me for years. After two successful recruits, I felt like this might actually be my year.

Item #1 GETTING READY
quick change of clothes...and convincing Savannah that her shiny black shoes with the bows and buckles were NOT standard fishing attire, we were off.
Tackle box.....check
Fishing poles.....check, check,....and check
Worms....check
oh yeah baby...were going fishing.

Soon after arriving at the "kid friendly" spot, I quickly set up Savannah's princess fishing pole. I put all the standard stuff on and was ready to toss her hook in, when she stopped me.
Savannah: Ummmm....Dad
Me: What bug. (one of her many nicknames)
S: Ummmmmmmmm.......can I swing? pointing to the swing set off in the distance
M: Not right now, we are fishing right now.
S: k....but ummmm....dad.....
M: *gritting teeth (its that whole "Father of the Year" crap) ......what!
S: ahhhhhhh.....I sorta haffa go to the potty.

At this point I am grateful that my thoughts don't verbalize themselves cause all I'm thinking is stuff that my kids ought not hear. Instead, I muster up as much patience as I can ...

M: k, sweetie, you might have to wait for just a few minutes while I help Gabey baby get his pole ready.
S: nnnnnnnnnnkay....but I hope I don't pee my pants.

I think this is where I let out my first audible "damn!"

To avoid a potential disaster I convinced Gabe to just fish with my pole that was all ready set up to fish while I took the princess of pee to use the bathroom. Thats right, I'm totally on top of this parenting stuff.

When I returned to the bank where we were fishing, I looked out and couldnt see Gabes' bobber anywhere. Upon further inspection, it was RIGHT BY THE BANK. Apparently, Gabe was totally distracted with the prospects of dressing our worms up in blades of grass and giving them all swords made out of twigs and fish hooks. I sorta got the feeling that the kids didnt quite share my zeal for such a fishing excursion, but in one last ditch effort, I picked up Savannah's fishing pole, put on some powerbait....cause it was pink, and went to cast it in. First attempt at the cast, the hook probably went 2 feet....behind me. I think this is when the group of kids fishing next to us looked over and had a good laugh at my expense. Yeah,....thats right, yuk it up funny guys, I'll show you. I reset the pole and cast it out........as I watched that impaled worm with the red and white bobber above it, go sailing through the air, I think to myself "nicely done, you should have your own fishing show", what I actually hear from the group of kids...."HEY DUDE....NICE PRINCESS POLE!!" Gabe saw the fury in my eyes and quickly hid all the worm swords so that I wouldn't go and hurt somebody. Instead, he diffused the situation by asking if he and Savannah could just go play. "We don't really like fishing...but we like to play. You can fish and we'll just go swing. Don't worry Dad, I'll keep an eye on her." Reluctantly, I agreed. I'm a stupid man.

Ten minutes later, after getting them on the swings, gathering up unused fishing stuff, and collecting the fragments of my shattered ego, at least I was fishing again....but not for long. Shortly after I had resumed fishing, one of my friends pulled up with his family, as well as my wife.

Them: Have you caught anything?
Me: No, not yet!
Them: Hmmmm, so where are the kids?
Me: (looking over my shoulder towards the swings) ...they are right over.........CRAP!
Cheryl (my wife): hmmmm....yeah.....NICE.....I'll go find them.

Now, don't be fooled, although this is a true story, my time line may be off just a bit. The point remains that while I was fishing....by myself at the kids pond, my kids were off doing lord knows what. The rest of the night is a blur, I remember the kids coming back to the pond....barefoot and muddy as hell. Cheryl was barefoot and muddy. Nobody was smiling...except the group of kids that were mocking me! I had visions of my wife becoming Bear Grylls as she extracted our children from the muddy abyss. I'm glad that nobody was seriously hurt, but I do feel like I should retract my application for "Father of the Year".

Letter to Subway

Dear Lady at the Subway restaurant,

Thank you so much for the delicious sandwich you made me the other day. A 6" turkey on wheat never ceases to tickle the ole' taste buds. However, I am wondering if I could offer a few words of advice for the next time I come in.

#1 Mop your floor....with something other than Sprite. Its bad enough that I have to wait in a line, but waiting in line and having to stand on a sticky floor!!! Every time I inched forward, my shoes wanted to stay where they were. Not cool!!! I felt like I had just stepped in a giant wad of chewed gum.

#2 It was a joke! I know that Jared didn't actually loose all his weight by doing the "sticky floor workout" every time he came into your blessed restaurant. I was trying to be funny. OK, I get it, it wasn't the best joke in the world, but I could really do without the breakdown of Jareds' actual workout routine. Furthermore, whenever somebody responds to your comments with a barely audible "hmmmm"...and then quickly looks down at their shoes (sticky shoes now), its usually a good sign that they don't give a crap what you are talking about.

#3 When you ask what I would like on my sandwich and I reply with "everything but olives"...that could be a pretty good sign that I would like EVERYTHING BUT OLIVES!!!
You: Carrots?
Me: Yes please.
You: Spinach?
Me: ...uuuhhhhh, yeah, thanks.
You: Yellow and Jalepeno peppers?
Me: Ya know what.....no! I realize I said I wanted everything but olives, but its apparent your second-guessing my decisions for a reason. Lets just go ahead and skip the yellow and jalepeno peppers and you put on whatever you think would be good.
You: It's your sandwich sir, you can have whatever you like.
Me: Oh really....hmmm....in that case.....let's have EVERYTHING BUT OLIVES!!!

#4 Again, it was just a joke! You told me my total, $5.32 I think, and then I gave you $6...I got it, change is coming. When change comes out of the front of the till, I am well aware that I did not, in fact, just win the Utah lottery. I realize you have an automatic coin dispenser thing-a-ma-jig. I couldnt possibly expect someone of your caliber to stoop to the level of actually counting out correct change.

I hope you will find these few suggestions helpful. Any concerns or comments can be posted in the "comments" section directly below.

Sincerely,
Me

A letter to me

Dear teen Thony,

I am writing this letter to you from the future. You can read this however you want, a series of advice, a heads up, or total crap, all of which may be an accurate description, depending on your state of mind. I don't care how you read this, all I care is that you read it.

Right now you are in High School and I have to admit, your pretty good looking, despite the seemingly uncontrollable acne. Don't worry, things clear up, just keep doing what your doing. Seriously though, you really need to quit letting people decide who or what you are. Putting too much stock in other peoples opinion of yourself will ruin your self esteem for a long time. Besides, as soon as you graduate from High School, (yeah, you graduate) you will only see a handful of your classmates on occasion. YOU need to figure out who YOU are, and run with that.

Your mom is gonna be one of your best friends. Always hang onto that. However, this doesn't mean that you have to do everything that she wants you to do. She may want you to...get a perm in your hair. (purely hypothetical, of course) Remember this: "perm" and "handsome young man" do NOT, under any circumstances belong in the same sentence. Don't be fooled!! She does have some good advice. Work hard and be happy.

You have some dead time between High School and a mission, take better advantage of this time. It might not hurt to consider going to college. If nothing else, you could at least start saving money for such a cause, it might actually come in handy later on. *wink wink Enjoy the time you have and the people you associate with, a lot of these people could turn into lifelong friends if you do your part. Never underestimate the effect you might have on someone else's life. People actually like you for you and value your opinion and your friendship, don't take this lightly.

I'm gonna jump ahead a little bit, the mission is good. Take it for what it is and know that it helps you more than anyone. Remember these names...Dakota Karnes and DALPIAZ. Keep your head up and don't get discouraged, anyone can change. Your a good example of that. Also remember that things don't necessarily begin and end with you .

Don't dwell on the past so much. Here and now is just as good as what could have been. Live in the now. You're only regret will be if you sit and feel sorry for yourself. If you don't like it, change it. Don't wait for people or circumstances to change, your pretty capable of good things if you just work at it. Don't be scared to commit to something. You'll figure out that everybody has to stand for something.

You need to be more conservative in your spending habits. If you are faced with a decision, lets say, a mountain bike or a piano....for the love of all that is holy, pick the bike. Its a lot less expensive and regardless of how cool the piano is, you don't ever learn how to play. If your so damn convinced that you need to learn an instrument, choose something smaller, like a guitar, you might actually like it and someday you could be a "Guitar Hero".

As far as dating is concerned, just do what you do. This ends up good!!! If some hot girl on campus, maybe around Darwin Avenue (yeah, you go to college...messed up huh!) "rests" her hand on yours, for hells sake, grab that hand and never let go. She is one of the best things that could ever happen to you. She'll get upset with you....often, and you may think that she is plotting your death, and maybe she is, but deep down I think she likes you. A LOT!!

A few more helpful things to remember
GOOGLE- consider investing. I know its a funky name but it might be worth a shot.

Knee surgery on September 10, 2001. The day after, just keep things quiet. It doesn't end well. Keep the TV off and enjoy your family.

As crazy as it sounds, names like Smoo, Gabey baby, and Nanna bug will be some of your best friends.


I guess when it comes right down to it, your on the right track...for the most part. You have a ton of things to look forward to. Set your goals high and do be so concerned with failing. Think of it as experience.

See ya in a few years,

Future Thony

Fiber One Rocks!!!

Good News: "Fiber One" bars are delicious!!!
Bad News: They are called "FIBER ONE" for a reason.

You would think that such a blatant label would act as a red flag of sorts. Like maybe it was the "Surgeon General" warning for granola bars.

CAUTION: Eating more that the suggested serving size could lead to severe stomach aches, shortness of breathe, and in some very extreme cases, incontinence problems.

NOPE. All I saw was a thin wrapper between me and gooey morsels of oats mixed with chocolate chips, drizzled in more chocolate. I ate waaaay too many at one time. I'm fairly confident that I have a highly educated readership so I won't elaborate too much further. Just consider yourselves warned!!!

Can you hear me now.....GOOD!!!!

I've tried so hard lately to be a little more patient, a little more kind, I've even tried to be patient and kind at the same time. OVERRATED!!!! So, without further ado, welcome to the latest installment of "What kind of a dunderhead are you?"

I have noticed recently that traditional restroom etiquette has fallen by the wayside. What was once a haven for the weary traveler, a sanctuary for three minutes of quiet contemplation, is now the proverbial Water Cooler. WHAT THE HELL!!! I don't know about you, but there are certain times when I would much rather concentrate on the task at hand instead of breaking off into alternate activities. You don't try to do your taxes in a dark movie theater so why are you trying to talk to me in the restroom. Here's a helpful tip for you...SHUT UP!! I know that sounds harsh and gives people a bad impression of me, but really, do you want to talk about the ball game now!!! Could we wait for 3 minutes and at least wash our hands first. Come on!!

Here is another tip, just because your not talking directly to anyone in the bathroom, doesn't make it ok for you to talk on your phone. First of all, bathrooms, in a lot of cases, should be treated like Las Vegas. What happens in the bathroom, should stay in the bathroom. Regardless of your opinion of the person on the other end, they do not deserve to hear some of the noises from the trumpet section!!! Secondly, even if they aren't able to hear anything from anybody else, it forces you, the bathroom phone talker, to severely compromise your personal hygiene. Sure, you may make a vain attempt at the 'shoulder to the ear' technique, but that phone is slipping and your gonna catch it. I guess if your ok with sticking a pee covered Motorola to your ear, be my guest...I just threw up a little bit!!

I put the 'fun' in disfunctional

I should not be allowed to interact with real people...mostly because I'm unable to. I'm pretty sure I have Torrettes, ya know, where an involuntary muscle movement or sound is displayed unconsciously. Sometimes I get done talking and I think to myself, "Man, your an IDIOT!!"

My conversation with a co-worker
Co-worker: Hey Anthony, whats up?
Me: *stutters* Uhhhh....good!?

Ok, it's bad enough that I gave an answer that was totally out of context but its worse because I actually paused for a moment before responding, thus giving the impression that I was actually thinking before I spoke.

I keep having flashbacks of my high school days where if by some queer twist of fate, the hottest girl on earth would say anything to me, I would immediately turn bright red, stutter out some sort of verbal gibberish, all while wetting my pants. I'm pretty sure this isn't normal.

What is it about some people that make it impossible to communicate? Are they so much better that anything you say will automatically make you sound stupid? Or maybe it's my own...stupid..ed...ness that makes me sound stupid. Whatever it is, I need to fix it. I'm gonna make it my life's mission to become the greatest communicator in the world and I won't rest until I make someone else go red in the face and wet themselves....I have a way to go.

Clarification or insight?

Since my last post many of you have pointed out that something must have happened to prompt such a 'feel good' post. Ummm...thanks!

A couple of days before my previous post, my family and I were able to go to a community BBQ of sorts held at a local grocery store with all the proceeds going towards a co-worker and his family. Throughout the past 6 to 9 months, their 10 year old girl has been waging a valiant fight against terminal brain cancer. 10 YEARS OLD WITH BRAIN CANCER!!! I think about that and quickly dismiss any inconvenient quirks I find wrong with the world...and there are many. (stay tuned, I can't keep my mouth shut for much longer!!!)