gaucherie

Revolutionizing the NBA

2009-04-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, watching basketball on T.V., and I'm amazed at the efforts these professional athletes take to keep their muscles warm while sitting on the bench. They have on their game jerseys, t-shirts, towels over their shoulders, and their warm-ups on top of all of that. I can't help but think that there is a better solution. There has to be some way to keep these athletes warm, while eliminating all those bulking layers. I have the solution, THE SNUGGIE! The possibilities are endless. Not only will this little gem keep your whole body warm, but just as advertised, their hands would be free, so they could still clap for their teammates or....hydrate. Beyond that, I see prime advertising space on the front of the snuggie. It's like a walking billboard, Gatorade, Nike, and local sponsors of these games would be thrilled to see their respective logos grace the front of the snuggie. You might think its far fetched, but I would venture a guess that in the next two or three years, your gonna see it happen.

Chimpanzee with the munchies and harboring a fugative!

2009-01-13T07:20:00.000-08:00

Weird title but that pretty much sums up the last three weeks or so, and its also an accurate description of how my family thinks of me. True story.

Cheryl and I were watching the BCS title game between Florida and Oklahoma. It was right near the end of the game and Florida had secured the win. With every big win comes the ritualistic dousing of the coach with Gatorade. As we sat there watching Urban Myer swim out of the river of Orange drink, I turned to Cheryl and mentioned that it looked like Tang and then told her how much I love Tang.
"Seriously," she said, "Tang is nasty!!! The only people that drink Tang are Astronauts and Chimpanzees!"
My reply, "AAAAhhhhhhh, so you think I'm Outta This World!!....sorta like an Astronaut!"
She looked my square in the eyes, "Nope!"

.....strike one

I walked into the house the other day and was immediately greeted by Savannah. She had her typical smile, her mischievous look, and she was hiding something behind her back. I was instantly curious and so I said,
"Hi Nannah, what do you have?"
Her reply,
"Mom bought it for me and YOU CAN'T EAT IT!!!!"
Still not knowing what it is, I inquired a little further, just to find out that it was a new Webkin, (a little stuffed animal thing). WHAT THE HELL!! I don't know about you, but I often have these uncontrollable urges to EAT PLUSH TOYS!

.....strike two

For Christmas, one of Gabes' gifts was a remote control truck. After a few hours of charging, our front room was quickly converted into a monster truck rally. Back and forth, climbing piles of shoes, jumping books, and chasing sisters. All seemed well, and then the unspeakable happened.
"Uhhhhhhhh.....Mooooooooom......we might have a problem!"
Instantly, everyone froze and we waited to hear what disaster had taken place. Did he tip over the Christmas tree, bang into his sister too hard?
Not quite sure if she even wanted to know, Cheryl went in to survey the damage.
"What did you do this time?", she asked as she braced herself for the worst.
"I sorta ran over baby Jesus."

.....strike three

So, to sum things up, Cheryl thinks I am a chimp, Savannah thinks that I'll eat anything in sight, and Gabe is Judas. Were did I go wrong?

Merry Christmas....pass the Wine!!!

2008-12-18T20:07:00.000-08:00

I've had it! I am sooooo done with Christmas shopping. I'm done!! I've made an executive decision and this year, instead of buying all the things on my wife's list, I'm simply gonna make a video for her of me....shopping for everything on her list. Trust me, this would be the gift that keeps on giving.

Take for example, item #........(thinking).......7, a new make-up brush. Hmmmmm, a make-up brush, how hard could that be. Pretty damn hard if you can't find it at Cabela's. I just barely found out that there is a store here in town that sells 'beauty supplies'.....such as a makeup brush. So, here I am, dedicated Christmas shopper, walking into a beauty supply store. I'm glad the Salvation army wasn't taking donations at THAT door, or I might have felt inclined to strip myself of all manliness and shove it in their little red pot....but I digress. So I walk in, and immediately I look around and I quickly realized that this was probably a bad idea and most likely....was not going to end well. I saw curling irons, and hair straightener things, and blow dryers, files, clips, hooks, bands, perms....I was totally out of my element. Fortunately for me, one of the sales associates noticed an increase of testosterone, sorta like the Yoda of Sally Beauty Supply, and quickly came to my rescue, or so I hoped.

Yoda the sales Associate: "Hi, welcome to Sally Beauty Supply, can I help you find something."

Me: "Uhhh....huh (blushes)....yeah...hi, and YES PLEASE!?"

y.t.s.a: "Ummm....ok, what is it that your looking for today?"

Me: "I need a make-up brush...."

y.t.s.a: "Ok, sure, what kind of makeup are you applying?"

Me: "It's not for me, and I have no idea what MY WIFE will be using if for...I'm gonna guess.....makeup!"

y.t.s.a: "Right........ I need to know what kind of makeup your 'wife' is applying!"

Me: "I'm really not sure, Cover Girl?!"

y.t.s.a: "Yeaahhhhh.....no, what size does she need?"

At this point I'm thinking...what the hell, her face cant be THAT big! I had no idea that there were sooooo many options for makeup brushes. Long handled-short bristled, short handled-long bristled, I think I even saw one made up of Mink fur and the handle was crafted from bones from the last guy that tried to buy a makeup brush for his wife. I just grabbed one that looked fuzzy....I think it was black! As soon as I handed the brush over the counter to Yoda the Sales Associate, it's like we hadn't met...30 seconds earlier.

Yoda the sales Associate: "Hi, did you find everything all right this evening?"

Me: "Uhhhhhh.....*slightly confused at this point*.....I think so, yeah!"

y.t.s.a: "....greaaaaaat.....and will you be using your Sally card tonight?"

..........wait a minute, my Sally Card?! I had no idea this place even existed 2 hours ago, and now I have a Sally Card!

Me: "I think I'll just use a debit card!"

Maybe next year my wife will ask for a leather boustia!!

Wasted Technology

2008-11-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

Technology rocks! I am amazed at all the different gadgets and gizmos there are. You can push a button in your car and automatically call for help. With a couple of clicks, you can communicate with someone around the world. Phones that can play music, take pictures, surf the web, tell you where your going....and oh yeah, you can talk on them too. So tell me this, how can we be so technologically savvy and not be able to flush the damn toilet. Wouldn't this make the toilet a wasted technology? Please, for the love of all the great minds that came before us......FLUSH!

Audio Journal

2008-10-31T11:06:00.001-07:00

I am a weird person. I don’t know if I’ve made that clear enough in my previous posts, so let me reiterate this fact. I am freaking weird. I am probably the oddest person you’ve ever met. The thing that allows me to fit into society is that I look pretty normal. No one really has any clue about the strangeness lurking beneath the surface. For instance:

I won't eat microwave popcorn right out of the bag....it has to be dumped in a bowl. I think its something about my hand getting rubbed in the butter stuff on the sides of the bag.

It absolutely drives me crazy when I see a car with its gas tank lid open. No explanation there, it just bugs.

I have an unexplainable fondness for giant sized kites, pickles, and Soft soap (shea butter).

But truly, the thing that I find most curious about me is my taste in music. I don’t follow one specific genre. I like whatever sounds good to me and elicits certain emotions from me. Some songs make me want to shaka the money maka. Others make me so happy I want to give someone a big FREAKIN HUG!! Other songs remind me of my family and friends. It's sort of interesting how my iTunes has become somewhat of an audio journal of my life… people and places and events that combine to make me who I am today. Just to show you, here are the next 10 songs that will come up in the shuffle in my iTunes (I swear on all things holy!):

1. The Man in Me - Bob Dylan: From his 1970's album, New Morning. I was in Knoxville TN., sitting in the living room of Irene Dalpiaz when I first heard this song. It was just playing in the other room, but it somehow captured my attention. Bob Dylan just rocks!!

2. Raindrops - Regina Spektor: As far as I know, this was an unreleased Demo. Regina has a sound that is undeniably hers. This song reminds me of Troy, one of my best friends growing up. He always did things a little bit different and always excelled at everything he did, and he made it look easy. Troy was anything but stereotypical.

3. What Was I Thinkin' - This was the debut single for Dierks Bentley: I'm immediately taken back to long summer days with my sisters. I'm not sure what the connection is there, perhaps it was because we were always doing something stupid. Maybe its just the country flavor that reminds me of home.

4. Burn - 3 Days Grace. This was from their self titled album in 2003. Nothing like a little 3DG to release the teenage angst inside of me. I was just finishing up my degree when this song came out. It's ironic how graduation can give you such a sense of accomplishment, but at the same time make you think..."what the hell do I do now?"

5. When the Stars Go Blue - Tim McGraw, From Tim McGraw Reflected: Greatest Hits Vol. 2. This song has always had sort of a hollow, haunted, vacant sound to me. August 8, 2006, we went into the hospital, expecting and hopeful, we left empty. I do remember sitting in the chair off by the window, and having this song play in the background as we waited for the inevitable.

6. Minor Thing - Red Hot Chili Peppers: From the By The Way album. I have always loved RHCP. I remember the first time (of many) that I skipped one of my art history classes and went and played 9 holes before I had to go to work. The Chili Peppers have always represented to me the ideology that you only live once, enjoy it.

7. Undeniable - Mat Kearny: From Nothing Left to Lose. After a battle of wills, the kids were finally in bed. Cheryl and I were watching Greys Anatomy and Mat Kearny had a song at the end. Not only did I like the song, but even now, when I hear him, it takes me to the quiet times I have with Cheryl. They are few in numbers but priceless none the less.

8. One Road for Freedom - Ben Harper Fight For Your Mind: Slow and easy seems to be the mantra for Ben Harper. One of my favorite pass times is fishing, and probably for the same reason....slow and easy. Ben is MY modern day Jimmy Buffett.

9. Helena - My Chemical Romance: From Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge. The job I have now is my first real "desk job". Shortly after I had started, I was sitting at my desk with headphones in. I can only assume that people thought that because I was pretty conservative in my looks, my musical taste would follow. I'm not saying these guys are super hard core, but they certainly veered away from what many thought that I would listen too. When I finally let some of the others hear what I was listening too through my computers speakers, they listened in horror for about......that long. With sneared faces and wrinkled noses, they told me to put my headphones back on.

10. Bluesy One - Kalia: From Six Strings And The Rainy Day Man. A co-worker introduced me to Kalia about 2 years ago, and I've been listening ever since. I like his sound alot. I dont know all the musical terms..obviously, but alot of his stuff seems minimal and, for the most part, untouched as far as the production side goes. In alot of ways, his sound reminds me of my kids. They don't have alot of baggage....yet. They just do what they do cause thats what they do. Simple and easy.....and thats why I love em!

So there ya have it. I told you I was weird. In my defense, I'm not the one driving around town with my gas tank lid open!! (hehe...made ya look)

A work in progess...

2008-10-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have been a slogger....or would it be a blacker....(blogger/slacker). I think I prefer slogger. Don't worry though....all three of you that actually read this will have new material coming soon. You may or may not have noticed that I have changed the look a little bit. By doing that I lost a lot of the links to other blogs I read. Soooo, you all need to post comments and at least give me the link to your blog so I can update it. Also, I added a button called "People who matter.." and since you ALL matter, you need to click it or whatever. (Really, I just want to see who actually reads this thing!) Oh, one more thing, I have been toying with the idea of changing my blog address to gaucherie.blogspot....just seems more fitting given the type of things I usually write about. I'll put a poll on here and we'll see what you think. Keep what I have or change it!! I know, I know....earth shattering decisions, but somehow, I still need help!

Put in my place...

2008-09-17T15:48:00.000-07:00

There is a woman in the office that I work at, for our purposes here, we will simply call her theladythatbugseveryonetodeathsotheyavoidheratallcosts. She is excellent at what she does, very thorough, and typically on top of everything. She is however, extremely overbearing, and as such, people tend to avoid her, much like you try to avoid a serious car accident...or maybe a fork in your eye. Anyway, I was walking down the hall today and who, of all people is coming my way....theladythatbugseveryonetodeathsotheyavoidheratallcosts. So, I decide to take it like a man, keep walking toward her, and God willing, I'll arrive at my office within the hour with minimal damage. As we grow nearer to each other, I can feel the blood pulsing through the veins in my neck, my teeth are clenched like a bear trap, sweaty palms, time actually slowed and the walkway tripled in length....you get the idea.

She is making eye contact with me at this point so what do I do, I say, "Hi....theladythatbugseveryonetodeathsotheyavoidheratallcosts!"

Her reply, "Hmmrph!"

REALLY!!! Are you kidding me. I am willing to bet that I was the only human contact that she has had in 3 weeks that wasn't initiated by her, and all I get was a...half burp/half...go to hell!!! I was suppose to reject her.....avoid her....not the other way around.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go sweep up the shattered remnants of my ego and tape it back together while I whisper self-affirming words of encouragement to myself.

Sweet Dreams

2008-08-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

Bedtime in our house, like most everyone with children, becomes a huge chore. Every night its the same thing.
#1 Kids, its time to get in the shower.
#2 Gabe and Savannah, get in the shower.
#3 GET IN THE DAMN SHOWER....

5 minutes later....

#4 .....hilarious guys....now turn on the water!

I don't get it, they know I'm gonna get irate, I did last night, and the night before, and....well, you get the idea. Its so frustrating, and thats just the shower part. Brushing teeth goes much the same way.

Now that showers are done and teeth are brushed, we read. At this point, I'm usually pretty fired up and probably sound like I could do voice-overs for the Devil himself, so what does Savannah bring out, "My little Pony". Yeah, thats right, we get to read about Pinky Pie and how she is crowned "lillie lightly, queen of all that sparkles and glows." For real???? You expect me to read this crap....now!! I just went through hell to convince you that the three inches of dirt on your face could not, in fact, wait til tomorrow to wash off, followed only by an activity that could easily be compared to playing chicken with a Piranha, and now you want me to bust out my best 'singsong' voice and lull you to sleep with a bunch of stories about magical ponies. I didn't sign up for all this.

Once they both get in bed and 'nighttime pleasantries' have been exchanged, I always get THE QUESTION.

Savannah:.....um......daaaaaaddddy.....ummmmmmm.....what do I dream about?

(Keep in mind that I am not a patient person and I feel like shipping both the offspring to the land of eternal slumber at this point)

Me: What???

Savannah: You need to give me something good to dream about so I can fall asleep.

Me: Hmm, ok....lets see. Why don't you dream that you have a delusional Father who has made it his life's mission to track down all the little pony unicorn things, rip off their horns, and stabs himself in the eyeball repeatedly. Okay!?...*winks*.....sweet dreams princess!!!

She hasn't slept in three weeks.

Dining with The Jokers Lovechild

2008-08-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm about 97% sure I ate dinner with the Joker's love-child.

A few nights ago my family and I went to dinner at a favorite Chinese place. As we walked in, we were quickly seated at a booth toward the center of the building, so the lighting was a little bit dim. No problem there, the darker it is, the less chance my family has of seeing me steal a second fortune cookie. (dont judge me, I swear I was settling a 'cookie ownership dispute' amongst the offspring!!) Besides, the lighting was also setting the stage for what was to come.

The menu was studied and it was quickly decided that the nights meal would consist of rice, lo mein noodles, and sweet and sour chicken. We only had to wait a few short minutes before our meal was brought to us. However, it was during this time that I noticed that Savannah was looking a bit "rough". She is always cute, but she had hair that was falling out of her pig tails, and her face could stand to see a washcloth as she had a few smudges of dirt on her cheeks. By itself it was ok, but combined with the less than stellar lighting, it was all a bit...well....creepy.

Finally our food arrived at the table. Like usual, I help one kid get a plate and Cheryl helps the other. Cheryl is a lot faster at this part than I am. Maybe cause a chubby guy in a both made for Chinese people isn't allowed to move to his full potential!!! (that might be a post for another day) Needless to say, Savannah was eating well before Gabes' plate was even ready. When I finally looked up to see how everyone was doing...I was completely taken back by what sat before my very eyes. I swear on all things holy and pure, Savannah looked just like a mini Joker. Now accompanying her disheveled hair and smudged cheeks, she had sweet and sour sauce all over her mouth. When I say all over, I'm not talking about a "little corner of her mouth" type dirty, it's more like a "4-year-old-fornication-with-a-saucy-covered-chunk-o-chicken" dirty. Once the intial shock wore off, I was completely entertained for the rest of my meal. IT WAS AWESOME!!! I all but begged her to look me straight in the eyes and say, "How 'bout we start with a magic trick" She declined and then proceeded to growl at me like some sort of rabid dog. Oh well, I can't have everything. I will however, hold tight to the idea that she could totally be in the Batman movie where Batmans kids try desperately to honor their fathers name by destroying the Jokers kids in the Gotham city soccer tournaments.

Mature beyond my years!!!

2008-07-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that growing up in a small town in Idaho has taught me, it is my ability to entertain myself with absolutely NOTHING. It is with fondness that I remember my summer days in Fairview. I remember trying to ride the neighbors calfs, (yeah, I'm hardcore like that!!), riding my bike, trying to recreate the "PLINKO" board from The Price is Right with cardboard and toothpicks, and most especially, I remember peeling the "skin" off my hands. Skin, in this instance was not actually skin, it was Elmer's glue. I can not tell you how many hours my sister and I would kill, just spreading glue all over the palms of our hands, and up our fingers, letting it dry a bit, and then peeling it off like we had a bad case of Leprosy or something. That my dear friends, is entertainment at its finest. The only reason I mention any of this is so I can point out exactly how mature I have become.

Yesterday, as I came home from work, I walked in the door and what was sitting on the table....a bottle of Elmer's glue. MAN....talk about a flood of memories. Pavlov's stupid dogs have nothing on me now. All I could think about was sitting down and squirting glue all over my grownup hands, waiting a bit for it to dry, and then peeling my "skin" off. I even picked up the bottle, twisted that little orange cap, picked at the dried glue that had collected along the top. It was all I could do to not squirt a handful and sink into the gluey abyss. I'm pretty sure my eyes glazed over, at least for a minute. I had the whole "Homer Simpson sees a plate full of donuts and bacon" look goin' on, for sure. In fact, I think its safe to say that I now totally understand the pain of a crack addict going through withdrawals. BUT, I am happy to report that by the grace of God....and a very watchful eye from my kids, I put the glue down and just walked away. Yeah, thats right, I'm mature like that. I chose something much more productive to do with my time.....GUITAR HERO!!! (don't judge me, its all about the baby steps)

I hereby retract my application for "Father of the Year"

2008-07-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

As is the case most every day, as soon as I finish at work I immediately start thinking about where I could go fishing. I have my favorite spots that I like to go, I have spots that are closer, but not as fun, and then there are the "kid friendly" spots......LIARS!!!

After a particularly hard day at work, I was ready for a fishing trip. I made my way home, and immediately started recruiting for little fishing buddies. I'm not a smart man, but I am smart enough to realize that my chances of going fishing are greatly increased if I take a child with me. If I take both children, I am immediately elevated to a godlike status and promptly nominated for "Father of the year", an honor that has eluded me for years. After two successful recruits, I felt like this might actually be my year.

Item #1 GETTING READY
quick change of clothes...and convincing Savannah that her shiny black shoes with the bows and buckles were NOT standard fishing attire, we were off.
Tackle box.....check
Fishing poles.....check, check,....and check
Worms....check
oh yeah baby...were going fishing.

Soon after arriving at the "kid friendly" spot, I quickly set up Savannah's princess fishing pole. I put all the standard stuff on and was ready to toss her hook in, when she stopped me.
Savannah: Ummmm....Dad
Me: What bug. (one of her many nicknames)
S: Ummmmmmmmm.......can I swing? pointing to the swing set off in the distance
M: Not right now, we are fishing right now.
S: k....but ummmm....dad.....
M: *gritting teeth (its that whole "Father of the Year" crap) ......what!
S: ahhhhhhh.....I sorta haffa go to the potty.

At this point I am grateful that my thoughts don't verbalize themselves cause all I'm thinking is stuff that my kids ought not hear. Instead, I muster up as much patience as I can ...

M: k, sweetie, you might have to wait for just a few minutes while I help Gabey baby get his pole ready.
S: nnnnnnnnnnkay....but I hope I don't pee my pants.

I think this is where I let out my first audible "damn!"

To avoid a potential disaster I convinced Gabe to just fish with my pole that was all ready set up to fish while I took the princess of pee to use the bathroom. Thats right, I'm totally on top of this parenting stuff.

When I returned to the bank where we were fishing, I looked out and couldnt see Gabes' bobber anywhere. Upon further inspection, it was RIGHT BY THE BANK. Apparently, Gabe was totally distracted with the prospects of dressing our worms up in blades of grass and giving them all swords made out of twigs and fish hooks. I sorta got the feeling that the kids didnt quite share my zeal for such a fishing excursion, but in one last ditch effort, I picked up Savannah's fishing pole, put on some powerbait....cause it was pink, and went to cast it in. First attempt at the cast, the hook probably went 2 feet....behind me. I think this is when the group of kids fishing next to us looked over and had a good laugh at my expense. Yeah,....thats right, yuk it up funny guys, I'll show you. I reset the pole and cast it out........as I watched that impaled worm with the red and white bobber above it, go sailing through the air, I think to myself "nicely done, you should have your own fishing show", what I actually hear from the group of kids...."HEY DUDE....NICE PRINCESS POLE!!" Gabe saw the fury in my eyes and quickly hid all the worm swords so that I wouldn't go and hurt somebody. Instead, he diffused the situation by asking if he and Savannah could just go play. "We don't really like fishing...but we like to play. You can fish and we'll just go swing. Don't worry Dad, I'll keep an eye on her." Reluctantly, I agreed. I'm a stupid man.

Ten minutes later, after getting them on the swings, gathering up unused fishing stuff, and collecting the fragments of my shattered ego, at least I was fishing again....but not for long. Shortly after I had resumed fishing, one of my friends pulled up with his family, as well as my wife.

Them: Have you caught anything?
Me: No, not yet!
Them: Hmmmm, so where are the kids?
Me: (looking over my shoulder towards the swings) ...they are right over.........CRAP!
Cheryl (my wife): hmmmm....yeah.....NICE.....I'll go find them.

Now, don't be fooled, although this is a true story, my time line may be off just a bit. The point remains that while I was fishing....by myself at the kids pond, my kids were off doing lord knows what. The rest of the night is a blur, I remember the kids coming back to the pond....barefoot and muddy as hell. Cheryl was barefoot and muddy. Nobody was smiling...except the group of kids that were mocking me! I had visions of my wife becoming Bear Grylls as she extracted our children from the muddy abyss. I'm glad that nobody was seriously hurt, but I do feel like I should retract my application for "Father of the Year".

Letter to Subway

2008-06-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Lady at the Subway restaurant,

Thank you so much for the delicious sandwich you made me the other day. A 6" turkey on wheat never ceases to tickle the ole' taste buds. However, I am wondering if I could offer a few words of advice for the next time I come in.

#1 Mop your floor....with something other than Sprite. Its bad enough that I have to wait in a line, but waiting in line and having to stand on a sticky floor!!! Every time I inched forward, my shoes wanted to stay where they were. Not cool!!! I felt like I had just stepped in a giant wad of chewed gum.

#2 It was a joke! I know that Jared didn't actually loose all his weight by doing the "sticky floor workout" every time he came into your blessed restaurant. I was trying to be funny. OK, I get it, it wasn't the best joke in the world, but I could really do without the breakdown of Jareds' actual workout routine. Furthermore, whenever somebody responds to your comments with a barely audible "hmmmm"...and then quickly looks down at their shoes (sticky shoes now), its usually a good sign that they don't give a crap what you are talking about.

#3 When you ask what I would like on my sandwich and I reply with "everything but olives"...that could be a pretty good sign that I would like EVERYTHING BUT OLIVES!!!
You: Carrots?
Me: Yes please.
You: Spinach?
Me: ...uuuhhhhh, yeah, thanks.
You: Yellow and Jalepeno peppers?
Me: Ya know what.....no! I realize I said I wanted everything but olives, but its apparent your second-guessing my decisions for a reason. Lets just go ahead and skip the yellow and jalepeno peppers and you put on whatever you think would be good.
You: It's your sandwich sir, you can have whatever you like.
Me: Oh really....hmmm....in that case.....let's have EVERYTHING BUT OLIVES!!!

#4 Again, it was just a joke! You told me my total, $5.32 I think, and then I gave you $6...I got it, change is coming. When change comes out of the front of the till, I am well aware that I did not, in fact, just win the Utah lottery. I realize you have an automatic coin dispenser thing-a-ma-jig. I couldnt possibly expect someone of your caliber to stoop to the level of actually counting out correct change.

I hope you will find these few suggestions helpful. Any concerns or comments can be posted in the "comments" section directly below.

Sincerely,
Me

A letter to me

2008-06-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

Dear teen Thony,

I am writing this letter to you from the future. You can read this however you want, a series of advice, a heads up, or total crap, all of which may be an accurate description, depending on your state of mind. I don't care how you read this, all I care is that you read it.

Right now you are in High School and I have to admit, your pretty good looking, despite the seemingly uncontrollable acne. Don't worry, things clear up, just keep doing what your doing. Seriously though, you really need to quit letting people decide who or what you are. Putting too much stock in other peoples opinion of yourself will ruin your self esteem for a long time. Besides, as soon as you graduate from High School, (yeah, you graduate) you will only see a handful of your classmates on occasion. YOU need to figure out who YOU are, and run with that.

Your mom is gonna be one of your best friends. Always hang onto that. However, this doesn't mean that you have to do everything that she wants you to do. She may want you to...get a perm in your hair. (purely hypothetical, of course) Remember this: "perm" and "handsome young man" do NOT, under any circumstances belong in the same sentence. Don't be fooled!! She does have some good advice. Work hard and be happy.

You have some dead time between High School and a mission, take better advantage of this time. It might not hurt to consider going to college. If nothing else, you could at least start saving money for such a cause, it might actually come in handy later on. *wink wink Enjoy the time you have and the people you associate with, a lot of these people could turn into lifelong friends if you do your part. Never underestimate the effect you might have on someone else's life. People actually like you for you and value your opinion and your friendship, don't take this lightly.

I'm gonna jump ahead a little bit, the mission is good. Take it for what it is and know that it helps you more than anyone. Remember these names...Dakota Karnes and DALPIAZ. Keep your head up and don't get discouraged, anyone can change. Your a good example of that. Also remember that things don't necessarily begin and end with you .

Don't dwell on the past so much. Here and now is just as good as what could have been. Live in the now. You're only regret will be if you sit and feel sorry for yourself. If you don't like it, change it. Don't wait for people or circumstances to change, your pretty capable of good things if you just work at it. Don't be scared to commit to something. You'll figure out that everybody has to stand for something.

You need to be more conservative in your spending habits. If you are faced with a decision, lets say, a mountain bike or a piano....for the love of all that is holy, pick the bike. Its a lot less expensive and regardless of how cool the piano is, you don't ever learn how to play. If your so damn convinced that you need to learn an instrument, choose something smaller, like a guitar, you might actually like it and someday you could be a "Guitar Hero".

As far as dating is concerned, just do what you do. This ends up good!!! If some hot girl on campus, maybe around Darwin Avenue (yeah, you go to college...messed up huh!) "rests" her hand on yours, for hells sake, grab that hand and never let go. She is one of the best things that could ever happen to you. She'll get upset with you....often, and you may think that she is plotting your death, and maybe she is, but deep down I think she likes you. A LOT!!

A few more helpful things to remember
GOOGLE- consider investing. I know its a funky name but it might be worth a shot.

Knee surgery on September 10, 2001. The day after, just keep things quiet. It doesn't end well. Keep the TV off and enjoy your family.

As crazy as it sounds, names like Smoo, Gabey baby, and Nanna bug will be some of your best friends.

I guess when it comes right down to it, your on the right track...for the most part. You have a ton of things to look forward to. Set your goals high and do be so concerned with failing. Think of it as experience.

See ya in a few years,

Future Thony

Fiber One Rocks!!!

2008-05-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

Good News: "Fiber One" bars are delicious!!!
Bad News: They are called "FIBER ONE" for a reason.

You would think that such a blatant label would act as a red flag of sorts. Like maybe it was the "Surgeon General" warning for granola bars.

CAUTION: Eating more that the suggested serving size could lead to severe stomach aches, shortness of breathe, and in some very extreme cases, incontinence problems.

NOPE. All I saw was a thin wrapper between me and gooey morsels of oats mixed with chocolate chips, drizzled in more chocolate. I ate waaaay too many at one time. I'm fairly confident that I have a highly educated readership so I won't elaborate too much further. Just consider yourselves warned!!!

Can you hear me now.....GOOD!!!!

2008-05-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

I've tried so hard lately to be a little more patient, a little more kind, I've even tried to be patient and kind at the same time. OVERRATED!!!! So, without further ado, welcome to the latest installment of "What kind of a dunderhead are you?"

I have noticed recently that traditional restroom etiquette has fallen by the wayside. What was once a haven for the weary traveler, a sanctuary for three minutes of quiet contemplation, is now the proverbial Water Cooler. WHAT THE HELL!!! I don't know about you, but there are certain times when I would much rather concentrate on the task at hand instead of breaking off into alternate activities. You don't try to do your taxes in a dark movie theater so why are you trying to talk to me in the restroom. Here's a helpful tip for you...SHUT UP!! I know that sounds harsh and gives people a bad impression of me, but really, do you want to talk about the ball game now!!! Could we wait for 3 minutes and at least wash our hands first. Come on!!

Here is another tip, just because your not talking directly to anyone in the bathroom, doesn't make it ok for you to talk on your phone. First of all, bathrooms, in a lot of cases, should be treated like Las Vegas. What happens in the bathroom, should stay in the bathroom. Regardless of your opinion of the person on the other end, they do not deserve to hear some of the noises from the trumpet section!!! Secondly, even if they aren't able to hear anything from anybody else, it forces you, the bathroom phone talker, to severely compromise your personal hygiene. Sure, you may make a vain attempt at the 'shoulder to the ear' technique, but that phone is slipping and your gonna catch it. I guess if your ok with sticking a pee covered Motorola to your ear, be my guest...I just threw up a little bit!!

I put the 'fun' in disfunctional

2008-04-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

I should not be allowed to interact with real people...mostly because I'm unable to. I'm pretty sure I have Torrettes, ya know, where an involuntary muscle movement or sound is displayed unconsciously. Sometimes I get done talking and I think to myself, "Man, your an IDIOT!!"

My conversation with a co-worker
Co-worker: Hey Anthony, whats up?
Me: *stutters* Uhhhh....good!?

Ok, it's bad enough that I gave an answer that was totally out of context but its worse because I actually paused for a moment before responding, thus giving the impression that I was actually thinking before I spoke.

I keep having flashbacks of my high school days where if by some queer twist of fate, the hottest girl on earth would say anything to me, I would immediately turn bright red, stutter out some sort of verbal gibberish, all while wetting my pants. I'm pretty sure this isn't normal.

What is it about some people that make it impossible to communicate? Are they so much better that anything you say will automatically make you sound stupid? Or maybe it's my own...stupid..ed...ness that makes me sound stupid. Whatever it is, I need to fix it. I'm gonna make it my life's mission to become the greatest communicator in the world and I won't rest until I make someone else go red in the face and wet themselves....I have a way to go.

Clarification or insight?

2008-04-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

Since my last post many of you have pointed out that something must have happened to prompt such a 'feel good' post. Ummm...thanks!

A couple of days before my previous post, my family and I were able to go to a community BBQ of sorts held at a local grocery store with all the proceeds going towards a co-worker and his family. Throughout the past 6 to 9 months, their 10 year old girl has been waging a valiant fight against terminal brain cancer. 10 YEARS OLD WITH BRAIN CANCER!!! I think about that and quickly dismiss any inconvenient quirks I find wrong with the world...and there are many. (stay tuned, I can't keep my mouth shut for much longer!!!)

Reality Check

2008-04-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

Typically, I use this little corner of the web to store all my assorted complaints, and to otherwise document all life injustices that have fallen on me. However, I have been dealt a pretty swift reality check, and I am forced to admit...at least for this post, that life doesn't completely suck, and I am extremely lucky.

* I have a tolerant wife, one who loves all of her family unconditionally, which is no easy task at times.
* I have a son who is my little shadow, and would walk the world over to try to please his parents.
* I have a daughter who is full of energy and life.
* I am fortunate enough to work at a place I love, doing a job I love.

LIFE IS GOOD!

But Grown-up rhymes with Throwin' up!!

2008-03-31T11:20:00.000-07:00

I love my life. I have a good life. I have a fantastic family, I like the work that I do, I have a dashboard hula dancer for hell's sake...what more could a guy want!! Some of you (all of you) might think I act a bit childish at times (all the time), but lets consider the alternative. I could act GROWN UP!

This idea popped into my head the other day as my family and I were wandering aimlessly through the aisles of a popular big box store. In one spot in the store, they had a Playstation 3 hooked up to a ginormous TV, with the 'Rockband' game, and all of its assorted paraphernalia (drums, guitar, microphone, etc.) tempting the masses that sauntered by. *I instantly started drooling! Then I watched as kids lined up, waiting to play, and their parents slowly creeping out of the way. This seemed like a non-verbal disclaimer that they were in no way to be associated with a silly video game, but instead they were only supervising. Needless to say, Gabe and I were all over the chance to play. I realize that I should probably be embarrassed, as I was the only one in the long line of onlookers that was over 4 feet tall. oops! I guess I failed to see the height marker, you know the ones..."you must be under 48" to enjoy life at all, anyone over 48" is invited to a checkbook balancing seminar, after which we will discuss, in depth, the topic of illegal killing of Rhino's in Africa and the effects it has on third-world countries.....and thank you for visiting the most magical place on earth!"

*lets take a break, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit!

It's Official.....I'm an Idiot!!

2008-03-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was given a little hula girl that goes on the dashboard of your vehicle.....love it. Its pretty funny to be driving down the street and see Muhana (that is her name) standing there, perfectly content to just dance. However, some of the streets here are not very conducive to hula dancing, so Muhana doesnt get to "shaka the money maka."

*enter idiot

One would think that I would be appreciative of such smooth roads. One might think that I could be just a little bit patient...after all, there is bound to be a bump or two coming right up.....That's a big NOPE! The idiot in me has to make Muhana dance. It's borderline compulsive at this point. I don't think I'd go so far as to say I am driving reckless, but I'm definitely hurting my chances of eligibility for that "Safe Driving Bonus Check" from Allstate.

There is just something strangely entertaining about seeing Muhana up on the dash, gently swaying back and forth. Sometimes I like to move my steering wheel to the same cadence at which she is swaying. The more she sways, the more I move, the more I move, the more she sways....can you see the problem with this. I am starting to remind myself of those kids you see at night, you know the ones...its always the cars that have more passengers than seatbelts, the stereo is inflicting is methodical thump on every car within six miles, and the driver is obviously being attacked by a swarm of killer bees, cause he is all over the place. I guess deep down, I can start to sympathize with these kids now. Maybe its not bees, maybe they have a Muhana of their very own. Maybe they aren't bouncin' to Snoop Dogg, maybe....just maybe they are listening to Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, gently strumming his ukulele. (It could happen)

I guess I should take hope in the fact that I have admitted I have a problem. (admission is the first step to recovery) Perhaps I just need to come up with alternate forms of entertainment....I think I'll go for a drive while I think about that!!!

This is against everything I stand for!!

2008-03-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

I typically dont like to hop on the "Lets get to know each other better" bandwagon. In fact, I enjoy a certain amount of anonymity. I started this whole blog in a half-hearted effort in improve my communication skills and to indulge in a little creative writing, neither of which I am very good at. So, when I get the emails that ask such prying questions like..."What is your favorite color?", I typically just file them in the same folder with the email that is warning me that little Sarah So-and-so is gonna die unless I forward this email to 20 friends. Not a huge fan.

That being said, I feel a twinge of guilt when I just delete...er....I mean...file stuff away. Somewhere in the back of my mind I feel as if I am ignoring the person who sent it. The little Thony angel pops up on my shoulder, poutingly hangs his head a bit, like he just lost a balloon, and whispers to me..."but Jesus said to love everyone, even if their emails do have an exorbitant amount of kittens in them!"...stupid Thony angel....FINE, I'll do it...but I won't like it. In fact, its safe to say that I'll hate it, and the only reason I comply is to appease the sender...and Thony angel!!

*mumbles--stupid Mormon guilt!!

5 Things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. Working at Autoliv
2. Trying to decide on a major...(man, did I miss the boat on this one)
3. Crammed in a tiny apartment in Logan..we're talking 'fat guy in a little coat' crammed
4. Newlywed
5. Blissfully unaware of most everything, some things never change.

5 Things on my "to-do" list today:
1. Wake up
2. snooze
3. snooze
4. Drag my sorry arse to the gym
5. Work

5 Snacks I enjoy:
1. ICE CREAM
2. Rice Crispie Treats (AKA...proof that God loves me)
3. Pizza
4. Chips
5. Cool Beverages

5 Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Complain that I still don't get paid what I'm worth
2. Invest
3. Start a 'Chubbie white punk' scholarship fund
4. Buy a boat
5. Let Cheryl have the rest...I'll be on my boat if you need me

3 of my bad habits:
1. Swearing like a drunken sailor
2. Complaining, mostly in jest but there is a bit of truth to some.
3. Overindulgence

5 Places I have lived:
1. Idaho
2. Utah
3. Tennessee
4. Virgina
5. Switzerland....what the hell...it looks good

5 Jobs I've had:
1. Dairy hand
2. Treadmill tester
3. Bomb Maker...(Autoliv)
4. Keebler elf (Pepperidge Farms)
5. Graphic Designer

5 Things people don't know about me:
1. I see dead people
2. Clowns scare the hell out of me
3. I run...
4. I have an 'unhealthy obsession' with Guitar Hero
5. ??? (maybe you should tell me what I don't know about myself)

2008-03-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

glumbert - Jim Gaffigan loves bacon

You know what he did?

2008-02-15T08:01:00.000-08:00

The airing of grievances...

2008-02-13T07:55:00.000-08:00

So Festivus is a holiday with no religious affiliation, just a celebration of...well...nothing. Decorations are simple, usually an aluminum post, and then you and your loved ones sit around the post, and have an 'airing of grievances'. This is followed by a festivus feast, and then the 'Feats of Strength' are performed, involving wrestling the head of the household to the floor, the holiday only ending if the head of the household is actually pinned. My point is this.....I consider myself the head of the household and nobody has actually pinned me to the floor, so technically, its still FESTIVUS. That being said, I would like to start again with my 'airing of grievances'.

#1 Police: We are constantly being bombarded with their little speeches about how we need to just slow down, be an attentive driver, and generally just use good common sense. I get passed by more cops...without their lights on, than anybody else. Not just that, but I am constantly on the lookout for people who are driving and talking on their cell phones. You guessed it, I am always seeing cops driving while they are talking on the phone. And if thats not enough, what the hell is that laptop off to their right. I can see how it would be useful if they have somebody pulled over or whatever, but its like they're driving down the road, using their cell phone with one hand, playing solitaire with the other, driving with their knees, and generally trying to crawl backwards up their own butts.

#2 Cell phone usage: I have a cell phone, I like my cell phone, I like to use my cell phone. Where this starts to irritate me is when people become so concerned with 'being connected' to the world, that they suddenly become so disconnected with reality. We've all seen the zombies shambling through the stores, with eyes glued to their phones trying to text somebody. In the meantime, they have managed to knock over 13 mannequins, cut off the lady with 3 kids hanging off of her, and have otherwise gotten in every other patron's way at some time or another. Or what about the bluetooth headpiece that you can use? Does little Jr., who still wets the bed, really need to have a bluetooth. It seems like at least 3/4 of the people who have a bluetooth forget that they are on the phone with one other person, not everyone within a 12 mile radius. As much as I am interested in hearing about those cute shoes that were bought at Kohl's, or Aunt Mildred's constant battle with cheap whiskey, Uncle Leroy, and those damned hemroids, its just not necessary.

#3 Fabric Stores: I have had the opportunity, on several occasions to go to the fabric store. I can't think of a more painful death. It doesn't help that I am extremely claustrophobic, but to be surrounded by solids, florals, checkers, denim, polyester, corduroy, silk, fleece, flannel, and every other combination you can think of, its just so overwhelming. If you can possibly manage to squeeze your way out of the fabric part, you find yourself right in the middle of patterns. You have your bride-to-be on one side looking at the ugliest brides maid dresses she can find, the elderly woman on the other side looking at some antiquated quilt pattern that will without a doubt, be under construction in the middle of her family room for the next 4 months, and the mother-to-be looking at patterns for a shirt that fits her swollen belly. If any one of these ladies catch a glimpse of a man in the pattern department, there WILL be bloodshed. That is their spot, their haven, its their 'estrogen island' floating in a testosterone world.

I'm starting to realize that there are a lot more things that bug me. Is the world I live in really that irritating or am I just super anal and annoyed at anything? Maybe that is something I need to consider, but for now, I'm just gonna go enjoy another festivus feast and wait for someone to conquer me in the 'feats of strength'. Then, and only then will Festivus come to and end...at least for now.

God bless Mr. Costanza!!!

Designers Block

2008-01-30T09:18:00.001-08:00

...I need some inspiration!!!

So, lately I've found myself totally uninspired. I don't have any new, fresh ideas floating around in my head. Normally this is ok, but I need some inspiration right about....ahhhh...NOW!! I've been pretty busy at my job and I've had a chance to do a couple of freelance jobs at home. But in the midst of all of that, I dont feel like I'm getting any new ideas or fresh perspective. So, I've decided to make a list of things that might help inspire, motivate, or otherwise push me towards greatness and total world domination....or at least some new design ideas.

1. DRUGS!?
2. Do the polar plunge, nothing inspires change like getting in a pair of swimming trunks and jumping in a freezing lake.
3. Yoga; for the longest time I thought that this was simply a cartoon bear that stole "picanic baskets"!!
4. Stare at the ceiling with my mouth half open....oh wait, thats what I'm doing now.
5. DRUGS!?
6. Become "at one" with nature. I cant help but think that hugging a tree could do wonders for self introspection.
7. Chain myself to my chair until something FANfreakinTASTIC happens.
8. Go check out the magazines at Borders. I did this once while I was still in school, I fell asleep. I recieved absolutely NO inspiration....but I wasnt nearly as crabby when I finally woke up.
9. Take a trip. (see 's 1 and 5)
10. Beg and plead for any advice from YOU.

So, there ya have it. I'm all dried up on the inspiration and motivation front. If you can think of anything else that I should add to my list, let me know. I'll compile a new list with your ideas and we'll sell them to that "7 habits" guy and we'll be rich.